The Gift Starting at Part Three
by The Stoned Fish
Summary: The Akatsuki; Relentless Assassins or Goofy Stoners? We at The Half Bakery will go ahead and let you decide.


The Gift part deax! Or is it toi? Fuck it! I hate French so I'm just gonna say "three"

Author's comment's been a while since I've written anything that was related to my stoner adventures, but this tale of anti-misery is sure to excite and entice. Or maybe not, but I thought it was neat, so fuck off.

It was a cold winter's night. For a long time I have haunted this alley way, waiting for my merchant of fortune to arrive and sell me my delicious treats. It has been almost a year to the day when I first met my connoisseur of such fineries in which my palette had grown so accustomed. The last quarter I bought from the man had only lasted me three days, and since then, I have come back to this alley every night in the hopes that my fabled dealer of happiness would be there, waiting for me to purchase his wares. Tonight, again, I was disappointed at his lack of presence. I walked home in a dream-like state, recollecting the buds of the past. I stopped at the Happy Cabbage Dispensary to pick up my usual prescription of mediocrity. I was a sad little fish this night.

As I rounded the corner towards "head quarters", which is a just a glorified hotel, thanks to our cheap ass mother fucking leader, I saw him. A beautiful sight of a man wearing a long, dark trench coat. He looked to be waiting for somebody. I was hoping that it was me. I ran to him, almost hugging him in delight. When he saw me, he smiled. He opened his jacket and there it was! The bag that I had been so dreaming of!

"One thirty-five." He said and I gladly paid him. He gave me the bag and I rushed up the stairs to tell my friends the amazing news. I had found God's Green Gift once again!

I crept stealthily through the door of the common room. When I say crept I, once again, mean sort of stumbled and flip-kicked. I burst through the door, smiling from gill to gill at my incredible find. But what I found was simply Konan and Pein watching television.

"Where the fuck is everyone?" I inquired, staring at the two non-stoners at my disposal.

"In your room." Konan answered severely. "They said something about needing all of them to reach the shelf or something." Ah ha! My friends had already read my mind as to the lewd activities in which we were going to partake. I smiled wider, revealing my sharp, sharky teeth. Pein grimaced, and with another stumbly, flip-kicky motion, I was up to my room.

When I arrived, Sasori was standin on Itachi's shoulders trying to reach Zet-chan. Zetsu was lounging on my bed and Deidara was watching with interest as the two tiny men tried to reach my bong. I reached over their heads and grabbed him myself with the greatest of ease.

"Boys!" I said. "And Dei-dei, I have returned fruitful from my expedition! And with that, I revealed our bag of graciousness. They gasped in delight as I raced out of the room with my bong and the bag of amazing bud. They were all quickly pursuing me by the time I got back to the common room where our boring friends were lounging still. I slammed Zet-chan down on the table and threw myself onto my designated slot on the couch. Pein and Conan looked disgusted as the other four flew into the room.

"You guys are idiots." Konan said. And with that, I picked both her and Pein up and flung them out the door. This was our time and nobody was going to spoil it for me or my friends. We needed this, we had been waiting for this and no man or woman was going to stop it from happening.

"Greens!" Dei-dei shouted as he slid into his designated sitting place on Sasori's lap in the armchair. I laughed as I loaded the bowl, grateful to have such good friends and good bud on this most glorious of nights. The fist-sized bowl was broken up and loaded in seconds, my avid stoner-speed leaving a usually four-minute task into just thirty long seconds. With phenomenal skill, I threw the loaded stem into the bong from nearly two feet away. The rotation was established once again.

Deidara had gotten greens, so his hit was first. He hit it with such gusto, using his hand to draw all of the smoke in and letting it curl out of all of his mouths. The armchair was enveloped in smoke in a matter of seconds as it passed through the little man. He looked blown out, just as he had the last time. It seemed as if, no matter how many times you smoked this shit, it always hit you the same. As if it were magic.

Sasori was next. The creepy little puppet man had been smoking with me almost every day for the past six months. He was by no means a light weight anymore, but this bud made him look like a bitch again. He spluttered and coughed and died. His eyes started to roll into the back of his head, just like last time, and smoke was slowly trickling from all of his joints and seams. He was a really creepy little puppet man. But he was fun to smoke with, so it was all okay. He passed it to a really jazzed looking Zetsu, who was a legend to us. He could hit and clear any bong of any size without flinching.

When Zet hit his likeness of a bong, he ripped it to the extreme.

"Hit it like it owes you money, little cannibal man!" I whooped, watching him smash into the bowl so hard that I thought my stem was going to collapse.

The hit went on and on, impossibly long, at least ninety seconds or more. But the more he hit it, the more the flytrap that was around his head closed. By the time he was done, his two-tone face was just a sliver of black and white behind the jaws of his thingy.

"How do you that?" Itachi asked as he was passed the bong by the now comatose looking Zetsu.

"I'm smokin' for two, Weasel." Was all Zet replied before retreating even further into himself. No smoke came from anywhere when Zet smoked. His body photosynthesized all of it.

Itachi grabbed the bong like a greedy child and hit it like he was trying to set a record. He cherried the bowl and watched it burn until he could take no more. His hit lasted thirty seconds almost. This was fantastic for any stoner who wasn't Zetsu. He looked boiled. His face had gotten red, his eyes had started to water and he coughed, letting out a huge plume of dank-ass smoke. The room became immersed in it; all of our bodies were enamored in it. We were bathing in the smoke from Itachi's lungs. And it was good!

I was next. This was the moment that I had been waiting for almost six months. I was feeling Zen. I was ready for this. How did I become so eloquent all of a sudden, you ask? I took some courses at the community college in Sound. Just throwing that out there, in case you were wondering.

I handled the bong as if it were my child, so, of course I was ridiculously harsh and almost judgementally violent as I grabbed it from Itachi. I immediately put it to my mouth and sparked my lighter. I held the flame to the bowl until I had a good cherry going and then I ripped it like it was the last bowl on Earth. Twenty, thirty, forty, forty-five, fifty seconds passed and I felt as if I could keep going. I stopped at one minute of perpetual rampage for fear that I was going to hurt myself. I held in the smoke for another whole minute. Everyone was looking at me as if I had just signed my own death warrant. It felt so natural to have all of that smoke there. I felt as if I were having my first ever moment of clarity. Life was so beautiful. Everything around me seemed so vibrant and colorful.

The door flew open violently, causing all of us to jump. I released all of the smoke in my lungs in a burst of pungent air. All of that smoke went into Konan's face, who had just come in the door. She looked glazed for a moment, but then she smiled.

"Let me show you boys how a grown-ass man hits a fuckin' bong." And with that, she threw off her cloak, leaving me, Itachi and Zetsu in an awed stupor for a moment. The three straight men in the audience were aghast at the body that Konan had under the ridiculously unflattering cloak. She was wearing a simple black spaghetti strap shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans. Nothing spectacular, but all of her curves and deliciousness made our mouths water. "Put your tongues back in your heads, gentleman. It's just a woman." She said as she tenderly took the bong from my shaking hands. She sat down with her legs spread, placing the bong on the floor between her knees and cracked her neck as if she were about to wrestle a bear. She lit the bowl and killed the rest of the bowl in one continuous, three minute hit. It was the most epic fucking thing that I have ever seen. She blew out the smoke as if it were something she did on a daily basis. It all seemed so casual. I just thanked myself for buying an entire ounce.

"And that is how that is done, sirs. Think twice before you throw me out, bitch." Konan said slyly. "And now…three…two…one…" Her eyes glazed over at the end of the countdown. She slid further into her chair, looking positively content. A smile crawled its way across her face, splitting it on two. That was the look of a true, down-to-Earth stoner extraordinaire. "And I am fuckin' blown!" She said, letting her blue hair fall over her face, the flower slipping out of it and falling onto the floor. "So…now what? What do you dudes do after smoking like this? We're all ripped as shit; I can see that in your faces." She said, slowly trying and failing to lift her head a few times. Her speech was still almost immaculate, but the slowness and lack of severity surprised me.

"Zetsu votes Taco Bell, mother fuckers!" We all jumped at the sudden life that had sprung from Zetsu's quiet corner of the room. He had a crazed look in his eyes. We knew not to defy him when that look was in his eyes.

"That's what we usually do." I replied, heaving Samehada off of the couch from beside me. "Time to go, Konan." I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder.

"I got the note handled." Itachi said, scribbling something to the leader.

"Whoo! Taco mother fuckin' Bell, mother fuckers!" Konan shouted, muffled by my shoulder, which her face was buried in. I smiled a small little smile. Tonight was going to be fucking great!

This has been a product of the Stoned Fish's Half Bakery.

Props to Itachi, my evil best bud for being so evil yet so cool.

Props to Zetsu, Deidara, Sasori, and Konan for smoking my amazing buds with me.

Props to the guy in the alley, whoever he was, for selling me such good fucking shit.

Props to Taco Bell for being so fucking delicious.

Props to Pein for letting me use his name.

Props to Dee and the boys from Twisted Sister for being so METAL!

And props to you, the reader for your support in reading this little piece of triviality.

Props!


End file.
